In a terrific article by Arthur C. Brooks for The Atlantic, he talks about how we humans love to criticize but hate to receive criticism. In other words, we love to dish it out, but can’t stomach receiving it. I believe that’s why internet forums are so popular and so toxic; we can hide behind screen names and take shots at anyone and everyone – from our next-door neighbor to the president of American Airlines, right on up to the leader of the free world. We can punch way over our weight online, saying things we’d never dare to in real life.
In real life, even the slightest hint of criticism makes our stomachs churn. We are all snowflakes in our own way. Brooks writes, “We all love to criticize. Unfortunately, we also hate being criticized. That leads to a happiness problem in the giant, constant, panoramic review that is the experience of modern life. We post and comment on others with abandon, but feel aggrieved at the way others assess us, both online and in person.”
In part, this is hardwired into our brains. Brooks says “In 2013, a team of neuroscientists writing in the journal PLOS One showed that criticism stimulates the regions of the brain involved in social cognition more than those involved in cognition control itself. In other words, the recipient of criticism might be attempting to understand the beliefs and feelings of the critic rather than assessing the criticism itself. When someone says your work isn’t good enough, your natural first thought may be They must not like me, rather than What can I do to improve it?”
No wonder it’s hard for us to hear advice that may help us. In fact, we’ve decided as a species that the word advice is synonymous with criticism. “Can I give you some advice?” never comes before praise of something you’re doing brilliantly. It’s not surprising that researchers have found that “people most sensitive [to criticism] are those who score low in self-esteem and high in neuroticism, who are fearful of negative evaluation, and who are generally pessimistic.” All the more reason to figure out how to take it better, since you’ll be giving off plenty of clues to your personality that won’t be good for your career or your relationships.
Brooks offers these science–based tips for receiving criticism in a more positive way.
It’s not personal, even when it’s personal. Brooks says we tend to have a hard time separating feedback on our performance and feedback about who we are as a person. In this way, athletes are a great model to follow. When the coach gives a player feedback, no matter how brutal, the player knows it’s about their performance, not their worthiness as a human being. They separate their feelings from the drive to improve, and use the feedback to get better, faster, or play smarter. The same goes for artists, performers, and writers. Oscar winners take notes from directors every day. When we average Joes let our feelings or insecurities drown out the useful advice we’re getting, we are preventing ourselves from improving (that goes for the office and in our personal relationships.)
Treat feedback as intelligence. When someone lets you know what they want more (or less) of or tells you what they think, you’re getting a rare glimpse into how you’re presenting yourself to others. Stephen Covey said “We judge ourselves by our intentions, but we judge others by their behavior.” You’re probably giving yourself a hall pass because you tried hard or meant well, but the rest of the world sees you from an entirely different perspective. If you are constantly deflecting criticism or being defensive, you’ll miss out on valuable advice from people who are paying attention – and who care enough to let you know what they see. When you stop getting feedback, you’re not necessarily killing it – you’ve just lost the interest of your coaches.
When you deliver criticism, treat it as a gift, not a weapon. If you read and absorbed the first two points above, you will understand most of what it takes to deliver criticism well. When you care enough to deliver feedback, you’re investing in that person’s future. It means you believe in them, in their ability to get better and their ability to want to get better.
Brooks writes that for criticism to be a gift rather than a weapon, “the research tells us that it should have five elements: the care of the recipient in mind; respectful delivery; good intentions; a pathway to improvement; and appropriate targeting of the recipient’s needs.”
Socrates had a simpler version: before we speak, we should ask ourselves: “Is it true, is it fair, and is it necessary?” Later versions of the quote replace “fair” with “kind,” but I think that’s more about the best way to deliver fair criticism.
Here’s something that may help when you’re about to deliver criticism or feedback: I always give the receiver a chance to decline my offer (this applies to non-boss/worker relationships, of course.) “I’d like to offer some feedback / advice / ideas, if you’re open to it.” This gives the recipient a chance to opt in, or opt out if the moment or mood isn’t right. “Thanks, but I’m still feeling a bit raw after losing the account. Maybe next week, when I’m feeling more open.”
I also ask for feedback by assuring the other person that I’m hoping to get better. “You won’t hurt my feelings – I respect your opinion and want very much to improve (whatever it’s about.)”
Finally, Brooks says what every good leader knows: praise in public, criticize in private. Brooks says scholars found that public praise was 9% more motivating to students than when given privately, and private criticism was 11% more motivating than when it was delivered publicly.
I personally think those numbers are pretty low.
Be truthful. Be fair. Be kind. And speak up only if it’s necessary.
Your Work, Your Way 