In this post and this post, I wrote about Katherine Morgan Schafler, who has authored a book that’s changing my life. In The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control: A Path to Peace and Power, she frees up perfectionists to lean into their perfectionism as long as it’s doing no harm (more on that in future posts.) Schafler has developed a quiz to help you learn where you fall on the perfectionism spectrum – not all perfectionists care about the same things or act the same way about every issue.
Today’s post is about the perfectionist who can’t get started. On anything important. Because they’re sure they need just one more data point, one more day to plan. The conditions have to be absolutely perfect for them to make a move. And, of course, the conditions are never perfect.
Schafler says that these perfectionists are always planning, but never actually doing what will make them happy. She writes, “The behavior block is the same no matter what because the struggle is not in carrying out the goal, it’s in beginning and returning to the endeavor while accepting that it can’t be superficially perfect. To a procrastinator perfectionist, setting a date for a dinner party can be as paralyzing as submitting a letter of resignation for a major career change.”
They wind up living passively, stuck in a bad relationship or miserable job, never taking action toward what they know will make them happier. And they’re even more miserable knowing that it’s only their own perfectionism that’s keeping them from achieving their goals and dreams. They’re painfully aware of their gifts and abilities. Schafler says, “Painfully aware, that is, because procrastinator perfectionists live in the space between knowing you have a gift you want to share (romantic love, talent, a new idea, etc.) and not feeling ready to share it. They see others whom they believe don’t have as much to offer shoot past them at work or with personal milestones, and it stings every time.”
They become self-critical and critical of others, frustrated and envious of people who are going after their dreams. They spend time inwardly (and sometimes outwardly) talking about all the ways they could have done that better – whatever that was – if they had done it themselves. And they’re probably right, but they didn’t do it. They just couldn’t pull the trigger.
Unlike other perfectionists who have something to show for their efforts, procrastinator perfectionists don’t. No one gives you credit for the planning.
When they learn to harness their gifts, persist, and live with the risk of loss or failure to deliver perfectly, they can become a powerful force.
Your Work, Your Way 